I’ve never been good handling my emotions. Which is rather funny given the fact that I’m an overly emotional person. At any given time I’m feeling 15 different & clashing emotions and am always trying to figure out just how to get through an average day. Despite this, I don’t like to confront them. I don’t like to sit down with a mug of tea and discuss why I’m feeling the way I am. I don’t like to tell people that I’m sad, angry, happy, stressed, uncomfortable, lonely, scared or tired. Part of this is because I don’t like to admit that I’m faulty and the other part is I’m terrified of how they will see me once they know.
That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to change this, though. Last week, I was on a photography based trip in northern Thailand. I was with 8 incredible women who are all amazing photographers. They each came with very expensive cameras and lenses, polarizing filters, tripods and fancy backpacks. When I first met them, with my sad little camera in hand and my two lenses, I immediately felt intimidated. When the instructor started talking about metering and back button focusing and the other girls seemed to completely understand, I pretended like I did too. Truth be told, I had no clue what that meant. And instead of asking what it was, I put on a happy face and tried to act like I belonged there, when deep down, I felt like the biggest phony.
The next morning, after another night of not sleeping and a swing of homesickness, I started crying. And I cried for about 2 hours. When we got to the location of our workshop and I was asked what was wrong, I finally broke down. I flat out said “I don’t feel like I belong here because I have no freaking clue what I’m doing.” And you know what they said? “Yes you do.” They didn’t look at me any differently. They didn’t laugh, snicker or judge. Instead, each one of them told me that I’m exactly where I should be, and that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and scared. That I have everything it takes in me to take incredible photos and follow my dreams. They really have no idea how much that meant to me because it came at a time when I was almost out of hope for my future.
I haven’t been honest with you guys about something, primarily because I haven’t really been honest with myself. Like I did those first few days in Thailand, I’ve been walking around with a fake, slapped on smile for months because I’ve been too scared to actually face what I’ve been feeling. The truth is, this blog is more of a stranger to me than the people I pass by in the grocery store. When I look at my blog and read what I write, I don’t recognize any of it. I’m not a food blogger, and I don’t think I ever really was.
Sure, I have loved sharing recipes with you guys and growing in food photography, but that’s not what I love anymore. When I sit down to write about a recipe, I find myself at a complete loss for words. Instead of telling you about my day, the fight I had with my husband or the life-altering trip I just went on, I find myself blabbing on about cookies and faking almost every word that I type. I don’t have the passion that I once did for this blog. I don’t get excited to tell you about a recipe I made. And I can’t keep hacking it like I’ve been doing. It’s not fair to you guys and it’s definitely not fair to me. I’ve changed so much in the past few years, especially this year, and this blog no longer represents who I am.
I don’t feel comfortable calling this a food blog or calling myself a food blogger. I have so many incredible friends who are food bloggers and I see the passion, excitement and love they have for what they do. And guys, I don’t have it anymore. They are food bloggers, I’m just someone who shares recipes every now and then. I’m telling all of you this because there are going to be some major changes on this site. For one, it’s not going to be just a “food blog”anymore.
Now, before you all freak, that doesn’t mean I won’t share recipes. Cooking is my love, it’s the light at the end of the tunnel, the ray of sun on a cloudy day. It’s as big a part of me as my finger print or my heart. But that’s not going to be all my blog is about, because really, it’s not all I’m about. I want to share every aspect of my life with you guys, not just the recipes I make. I want to tell you about my trips, my ups and downs, my struggles with weight, money and love. I want to share every part of my life with you and I don’t want to feel bad about that.
So, like the title alludes, this is a new beginning. For me and my blog. I’m in the process of a big redesign, complete with a new name, new photos and a new logo. This blog is finally going to be a real representation of who I am as a person, a wife, a traveler and a cook. I know I’m going to lose some of you, and I’m sorry to see you go. But for those who stay with me during this transformation, I hope you’re in for a bumpy, hectic and ever-changing ride. Because I know I am.